MAKING COMMITMENTS
(from Fr. Joseph Galdon’s “Mustard Seed” Book)
Commitment is what life is all about. Tell me what your commitments are and I tell you what kind of life you lead. Tell, me what you think is important and I will tell you what kind of a person you are. Because in a very fundamental sense commitments define us. We are what we are committed to, and without commitments we are nothing. John Haughey, S.J., says that commitment “is at the core of the mystery that every person is.”
Commitment comes from a Latin word that means “to bring, join or to combine into one whole; to join or put together, to connect or to unite.” Commitment means we have to find the person or the thing that will make us whole. It’s obvious enough that half of what we must join or bring together is ourselves. A large part of any commitment must be the gift of myself. The philosophers call this part of commitment “self-donation.” I am at least half of the definition of commitment, for basically the commitment is what I bring to it. Many people fail in commitments because they don’t bring anything to the commitment. They want to take, but they don’t want to give. I can bring time or money or talent to a commitment. I can spend time with a friend, or help him with his math homework or a business problem, because I am good at it. I can donate my bonus to the flood victims it Taguig. The donation of that part of myself – time or talent or money – brings me together with my friend or the flood victims. In that way we are united and I am committed to them. But these can be rather shallow acts of self-donation or commitment, for time, talent and money are rather shallow parts of the real me. A deeper commitment means the donation or the giving of my deeper self. Gabriel Marcel uses French word co-entre (“to be with”) to describe this deeper state of commitment. In the deepest kind of commitment, I literally “dwell in” the other, and the other “dwells in” me. That, too, is what life is all about. Commitment means to bring together, to connect and to unit. Commitment leads to self-donation, and self-donation leads to indwelling and fulfillment. It leads to wholeness and happiness. The other half, beyond the self, which we bring together or combine into one whole in a commitment, is obviously the object of the commitment. What we bring to the commitment makes a difference, but so does the object of my commitment. I can commit myself to a job or to an organization like the Jaycees. I can also commit myself to an ideology like Marxism. But the richest of all commitments are what we call personal commitments – when I reach out to another person to bring that person together with me into one whole. It is only in personal commitments that self-donation, co-entre and indwelling become most meaningful. Commitment is basically a people thing. Because Christ was committed to the Father, He could truly say: “I and the Father are one.” And St. Paul could say: “Now I live, now not I, but Christ lives in me.” This is because St. Paul was committed to Christ. That, too, is what life is all about – personal commitments. Without personal commitments, we are very lonely people. If all I have is a job or an ideology but don’t have someone who is object of my self-donation, it can be a very empty life. When my commitments are all things, and I have no people commitments, the pattern of my life becomes clear; I am a man or a woman with no one to love. It’s easy enough to see, then, what the philosophers mean when they say that our commitments define us. If I have no commitments at all, it’s pretty easy to see that I am not very much of a person. If my commitments are all to things, then my priorities and my values must be centered on material objects. I am a very different person if there are meaningful personal commitments in my life. If I make commitments, but can’t keep them, that also say a lot about what kind of person I am. But maybe the word commitment is too philosophical for most of us. Maybe we should say that my love makes what I am. The two words – love and commitment – are really the same. With nobody to love, we really aren’t alive. On Keeping Commitments In an earlier column, I wrote about the definition of commitment. Today I want to write about keeping commitments. If we have a good commitment going, how can we keep it that way? How can we make a good commitment even better? How can we keep a relationship from getting shipwrecked on the rocks of mediocrity or routine? The obvious answer to the question, of course, is unselfishness and sacrifice, because these are the two foundation stones on which all commitments are built. In more technical terms, the philosophers say that a commitment has to be other-regarding; it also involves a kind of dying to the self. But when there is reasonable sacrifice and unselfishness, how can we make commitments even better? Fr. Haughey, whom I quoted in the earlier column, says that there are two ways to make our commitments come alive. First, always keep your promises, especially the little ones. You remember that the Little Prince in Antoine de St. Exupery’s story said it was very important to keep promises. “When you promise to call, make sure that you don’t forget. When you promise to come at four o’ clock make sure you come on time. Because I remember your promises and I look forward to it, and when you don’t call or come on time, I am very disappointed.” You know how eagerly children look forward to what we promised them, and how sad they are when we forget. We’re all like children when it comes to promises. We all look forward in hope to what is to come. The greatest and the most beautiful promise of God in the Old Testament was that He was a faithful God – He kept His promises. It was the greatest proof of His commitment and love. A promise links the present and the future. It assures me that you love me today, but that you will also love me tomorrow. We all need the security of love tomorrow as well as today. The commitment of marriage is built on a promise: You will love me tomorrow, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, and everything else in between. The big promises, like marriage, are important, but so are the little promises. “I’ll be home at five.” “We’ll take the kids to the province on Sunday.” “We’ll have dinner together on your birthday.” “I’ll watch your basketball game tomorrow.” Keeping promises is a good way to keep commitments alive and growing. A second way is to use the symbols of commitment. A symbol is a concrete, visible sign of the inner reality of a commitment. The wedding ring is a symbol of a commitment, but so is a hug or a smile. They are concrete signs that I love you and I will keep on loving you. Christ gave us the Mass as a symbol of His love for us. Every time we go to Mass, we ought to be aware that God loves us and we love Him. When we don’t go to Mass, we neglect the symbol. And when we neglect the symbol, the commitment can become less meaningful and begin to dry up. “Whenever you do this,” Christ says, “I want you to remember me – and my love.” That’s why children need a father who hugs them and talks to them and goes places together with them. That’s why a man – even if he won’t admit it – needs a hug or a smile, rather than a nagging wife. That’s why a wife needs a demonstrative husband. They all need the symbols of commitment. Symbols of commitment, even if they are only little things life flowers on your birthday, have a double function. They express the commitment. Because we are human, we need those concrete signs. “Don’t just talk about love. Show me.” The symbols also help the commitment to grow. Like water and sunlight, they make the flower of love blossom. Each day they add to the commitment and help it become stronger. Symbols are the soil in which the seed of love grows. Deep inside us we all need love. If we keep our promises and use the symbols of love, our commitments will grow. Then we will be happier people. |
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